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I'm 40... what the hell am I doing. The epiphany.

Updated: Aug 20, 2021

Let me start by introducing myself and how I came to be writing this blog. My name is Sam, I am an Australian born & bred to an Aussie mum and American dad! As a kid, we moved around quite a bit (which is definitely a lead into my next phase of life!). Starting out in South East Queensland until I was 5, then moving to tropical north QLD for a couple years. In 1988 at the ripe old age of 8, my parents packed up our lives into 4 suitcases, and took my brother (9) & I across the Pacific Ocean to Boston, USA to meet my American family (I had never met my grandparents!). We went to school for a year, I picked up the yankee accent & enjoyed the changing seasons (including a blizzard). We finished the year with a month long trip at the end in an RV (motorhome) all around the USA.

So that really kickstarted me into a life of travel and moving around. I moved back to the USA in 1997 by myself, right after high school graduation for another year, just because I could, I wanted to experience life and start seeing the world. Arriving back in Australia at the end of 1998, I then started to get restless again after what I soon discovered would be my 5 year itch.

So in 2003, I packed up my life again and moved to London, England, where I remained until 2009! In 2007, I met the man of my dreams, my forever guy. It didn't take long for us to move in together and before long, we had talked about kids, houses and our future together.

In 2008, I was diagnosed with 'mild' endometriosis after having quite a lot of pain during my cycles and during sex. I had a laparoscopy to 'clean up' my insides and that definitely seemed to have helped.

My next follow up appointment was about 6 months later (I was 28 years). I heard the words that would change the course of my life dramatically. The doctor told me that outright that 'I can't have a baby'. I felt like I had been punched in the guts when I heard that. He never should have said this to me. I had very little testing, the only thing I remember doing was a blood test. What did they test? I have no idea and I didn't know any better at the time. I just know that after that he told me that news and I was devastated, I had always wanted kids, but all I heard in that short conversation in a London clinic was that I wouldn't be able to conceive. Urgh, I wish I knew what I know now.

In 2009, we decided it would be better to move back to Australia. I missed my family like crazy and I had 3 nieces and nephews born during the time I was gone! It was time.

But alas, things didn't work out too well. The strain of moving countries was too much for him, I came back to a full network of friends and family and a job instantly, but he struggled to find work and wasn't making friends (but also as not really trying). Looking back, we were both as guilty as each other for the demise of the relationship. I started really living life to the fullest, I traveled as much as possible, I partied, I kept myself busy. But he didn't and I started to resent that and he resented me having fun without him (not for lack of trying to drag him to everything). My brain had already put up an emotional wall and blocked out the whole idea of settling down with kids. Because someone told me I can't. So I may as well live it up right. Wrong. He left me in 2010 and I was a shattered mess. He was my first true love & my first heartbreak.

After a couple years, I bought my own house, had the best job in the travel industry and was very successful. But in 2014 I started to get my 5 year itch and got restless.

So, I decided to pack up my life...again.... and move to Los Angeles, CA. I spent a wonderful 4 years in LA, I actually met a guy in the first 6 months, we didn't last long as it (he) was complicated, but we rekindled a couple years later in 2017, and I fell hard & fast in love. But after just 8 months, I just started to realize it wasn't meant to be, I was so head over heels in love, but I just knew that we wouldn't be able to go any further in life together for reasons too personal to post to your all. I broke up with him, I was heartbroken, but I knew it was for the best.

So what did I do? I packed up my life again and moved to New York City! Writing this... it sounds like I'm always running, but honestly, I consider it chasing, I don't run from my problems I chase my dreams.

Fast forward to the start of 2020, I had huge success within my company, lots of traveling all over the world, racking up my country count (I've been to 72 countries & all 7 continents as I write this), went to music festivals all over the world and living life happily single and looking forward to a yeah FULL of travel & festival plans!!

Then I blinked and it was September 2020 and I was turning 40 and we had been in lockdown for 6 months. With so much alone time, the reality started to set in that I had been keeping myself so busy the last decade, that I completely blocked out my dream of a baby and that I was alone with no prospects of a partner.

I had a couple of single friends in the last couple years have babies via a donor and they were my age as well, I thought fuck it! Why not just go get all of the tests done and see what my body is up to!

So I made a few calls and by that afternoon I had made an appointment with a local fertility clinic in 2 weeks time....

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